I like observing people especially couples during their mealtimes, there's so much to learn from anyone that comes my way. No, I don't intrude in their private lives nor their conversations but I observe their body language, their body signals which I believe is the best gauge of the current situation.
What I'm sharing here is very straightforward. I am a firm believer of taking that additional time of spending that quality moment with my other half. We've been so used to watching TV programmes where the man just reads the newspaper during mealtimes as if oblivious of their partners sitting with them (I'm guilty of that sometimes) when at that table, the most intimate of sharing's can take place regardless of whether it's the happenings of the day, the wishes, hurts etc.
In every relationship, communication is essential. Sure some people may have other ways of doing it. In my work, I feel the best way to get into my customer's world is via a drink (not necessarily beer) or a simple meal. So if I can bring this to my relationship, I'm sure it's OK right to get into my spouse's world. It's more than OK, it's a must!
Sure all of us are busy in our own world, but that quality time communicating and looking into the eye of your spouse during a meal will be something worthwhile and have that lasting effect in this journey. In this 'instant gratifying' world, these quality time & moments is what you'll treasure in your relationship. Try it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Actions Speaks Louder
I've noticed many actually treat other people (can be outsiders, strangers etc) nicer than our own loved ones. I'm guilty of this sometimes and feel I'm kind of impatient with my family members than I am to strangers.
Let me illustrate, in our workplace we have colleagues who are frequently not punctual, do things slowly, make plenty mistakes but we accept it, without telling them off for fear of negative impression towards us. However, if our spouse is late - we start the words tirade, screaming and this sours the following outing.
Why is it that we can't be nicer & kinder to our loved ones?
1) We believe they'll forgive us - while this may be true, it also forms a projection on how the other person behaves. This can sometimes develop into such a habit that we take it as they'll never change, which of course is bad in the long run.
2) We're after our own interest most of the time - face the fact, all of us has our own agenda. Sometimes it may be congruent with our spouse, sometimes not. Worst still we think our partner knows what we want, thus expectations is high and when the other doesn't perform up to that standard, the verbal bullets starts to fly.
3) We think we're superior and know it all - Nobody's perfect, period!
4) Inferiority complex - this may sound crazy but if someone hasn't been treated well in workplace, he/she may want to exert that dominance over the other person to show that he/she will not bow down to anyone. Once at home, a different character emerges and the whole environment at home changes.
We spend so much time in our workplace or businesses and so little time at home (at times due to job requirements), why not be our best self to our loved ones. We're calling them loved one, not punching bags right. Let's be kinder and more patient with each other, the whole environment around you will be more peaceful and warm.
Let me illustrate, in our workplace we have colleagues who are frequently not punctual, do things slowly, make plenty mistakes but we accept it, without telling them off for fear of negative impression towards us. However, if our spouse is late - we start the words tirade, screaming and this sours the following outing.
Why is it that we can't be nicer & kinder to our loved ones?
1) We believe they'll forgive us - while this may be true, it also forms a projection on how the other person behaves. This can sometimes develop into such a habit that we take it as they'll never change, which of course is bad in the long run.
2) We're after our own interest most of the time - face the fact, all of us has our own agenda. Sometimes it may be congruent with our spouse, sometimes not. Worst still we think our partner knows what we want, thus expectations is high and when the other doesn't perform up to that standard, the verbal bullets starts to fly.
3) We think we're superior and know it all - Nobody's perfect, period!
4) Inferiority complex - this may sound crazy but if someone hasn't been treated well in workplace, he/she may want to exert that dominance over the other person to show that he/she will not bow down to anyone. Once at home, a different character emerges and the whole environment at home changes.
We spend so much time in our workplace or businesses and so little time at home (at times due to job requirements), why not be our best self to our loved ones. We're calling them loved one, not punching bags right. Let's be kinder and more patient with each other, the whole environment around you will be more peaceful and warm.
Monday, April 26, 2010
INTEGRITY
We've heard of this word numerous times, until some take it for granted, abuse it and pretend nothing has happened. It's something so precious, so delicate and yet so easily lost in our daily routines thanks to lethargy, insecurity and even wrong choices of our making.
I know of this company which emphasizes on safety driving so much that a peer has to evaluate a person's driving skills, observance of traffic laws and habits. During the test, the incumbent practices all the safety aspect of it, drives with two hands and within speed limits. Upon confirmation that he has passed the evaluation, the bad habits comes back instantly - speeding, ignoring traffic lights changes and you name it, every other offence on the road he does. What's good in living a life of acting and pretence?
I believe that God has blessed us with our spouses so we can be comfortable with them, let our hair down on all occasions and I mean all occasions. It's not like "I don't feel like it today, I'm too tired." or pretend to be nice when we're with our spouse and do otherwise behind her. To me it should come naturally. I shouldn't even use "should" - it is second nature to us.
Let's make out daily walk consistent in unrelentless pursuit of integrity true to our own self and ability. We only need to answer to our spouse other than God. It's a worthwhile journey where we can leave a legacy of being true and honest to our other half. That would be incredible for our kids to emulate.
I know of this company which emphasizes on safety driving so much that a peer has to evaluate a person's driving skills, observance of traffic laws and habits. During the test, the incumbent practices all the safety aspect of it, drives with two hands and within speed limits. Upon confirmation that he has passed the evaluation, the bad habits comes back instantly - speeding, ignoring traffic lights changes and you name it, every other offence on the road he does. What's good in living a life of acting and pretence?
I believe that God has blessed us with our spouses so we can be comfortable with them, let our hair down on all occasions and I mean all occasions. It's not like "I don't feel like it today, I'm too tired." or pretend to be nice when we're with our spouse and do otherwise behind her. To me it should come naturally. I shouldn't even use "should" - it is second nature to us.
Let's make out daily walk consistent in unrelentless pursuit of integrity true to our own self and ability. We only need to answer to our spouse other than God. It's a worthwhile journey where we can leave a legacy of being true and honest to our other half. That would be incredible for our kids to emulate.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Forgiveness Part II
I listened to a preacher the other day, he spoke of a woman with bad arthritis till her fingers were crooked, clumped together and hadn't forgiven her sister for something that happened 30 years back. She is 70 years old and her sister has since passed away.
She came up to the preacher and he asked if she was willing to forgive her sister and let go of the past as it's no longer supporting her and yet hurting her. She said yes.
As she raised her hands to receive that prayer of forgiveness and blessing, the preacher witnessed something bizarre. A miracle took place. As she cried and asked for forgiveness, her fingers straightened up and were well again. She had never felt that peace before.
The same it is with our spouses. At times we feel so frustrated and sometimes angry at our spouses for some differences in thoughts. And we allow that to grow in us until one day it's released... with such intensity that shocks our other half. All hell breaks loose because of some unforgiving past which even our spouse knows nothing off. Why? Why are we harbouring such feelings? Is it edifying or crippling us?
Don't let the sun go down on us. Forgive and apologize even if we're not in the wrong. Try that today, it'll do wonders to our relationship.
P/s : I co-wrote this with my wife.
She came up to the preacher and he asked if she was willing to forgive her sister and let go of the past as it's no longer supporting her and yet hurting her. She said yes.
As she raised her hands to receive that prayer of forgiveness and blessing, the preacher witnessed something bizarre. A miracle took place. As she cried and asked for forgiveness, her fingers straightened up and were well again. She had never felt that peace before.
The same it is with our spouses. At times we feel so frustrated and sometimes angry at our spouses for some differences in thoughts. And we allow that to grow in us until one day it's released... with such intensity that shocks our other half. All hell breaks loose because of some unforgiving past which even our spouse knows nothing off. Why? Why are we harbouring such feelings? Is it edifying or crippling us?
Don't let the sun go down on us. Forgive and apologize even if we're not in the wrong. Try that today, it'll do wonders to our relationship.
P/s : I co-wrote this with my wife.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
True Love
Some of us who've been married a long time may feel that we are experienced makes us an expert on marriage bliss. We certainly can learn from newlyweds too. In fact the magic of that relationship should be continued as long as...we're both still on earth! When two people are in truly in love, they will care deeply for each other and cherish every moment together. Secondly true love means their relationship will possess the character of the good one does to the other. How can two people with that simple characteristic be anything but best friends...for life? I'm married to my best friend who thinks she's blessed, well my thinking's mutual too. We actually knew each other for 13 years before we tied the knot.
A successful marriage requires falling in love with the same person...many many times. If possible court your spouse over and over again in a different manner. There are so many creative was you we can think of, various avenues that we can source from. In a prior blog, I mentioned emulating kids - that same feeling and attitude in our relationship is the secret to gelling it for a long long time.
I'm glad I'm blessed with my true love that will accept me for who I am, what I do and what I believe in. It’s priceless.
A successful marriage requires falling in love with the same person...many many times. If possible court your spouse over and over again in a different manner. There are so many creative was you we can think of, various avenues that we can source from. In a prior blog, I mentioned emulating kids - that same feeling and attitude in our relationship is the secret to gelling it for a long long time.
I'm glad I'm blessed with my true love that will accept me for who I am, what I do and what I believe in. It’s priceless.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Favoritism
May seem weird why this subject is included right? Read along, I'm sure you'll agree with me this is one of the key steps in our development years that can manifest itself in later years.
A friend of mine said she was very glad to see no favoritism in her father in law towards his 3 sons. The 3 sons, having families of their own loved each other dearly and have very little misunderstandings between them. This grandfather didn't display any favoritism towards the grandchildren too despite one of the sons not having any daughters. All of them get along so well including the daughter in laws.
No one likes to compare, right. I know of another friend who has a younger brother who gets everything he wants even when he's not mature enough to have it...to the dissatisfaction of the sister. Over the years living under this "favoritism" has made here bitter towards her brother. Even after marriage, she never gave in to the brother as a form of vendetta. This took a long time and was painful to overcome.
In our married relationship - our upbringing can pose a threat to it and if not checked it can ruin a happy family. We're here to build this journey today and tomorrow, so let it be our desire to be fair to all in the family.
Your kids will love you and appreciate you for this.
A friend of mine said she was very glad to see no favoritism in her father in law towards his 3 sons. The 3 sons, having families of their own loved each other dearly and have very little misunderstandings between them. This grandfather didn't display any favoritism towards the grandchildren too despite one of the sons not having any daughters. All of them get along so well including the daughter in laws.
No one likes to compare, right. I know of another friend who has a younger brother who gets everything he wants even when he's not mature enough to have it...to the dissatisfaction of the sister. Over the years living under this "favoritism" has made here bitter towards her brother. Even after marriage, she never gave in to the brother as a form of vendetta. This took a long time and was painful to overcome.
In our married relationship - our upbringing can pose a threat to it and if not checked it can ruin a happy family. We're here to build this journey today and tomorrow, so let it be our desire to be fair to all in the family.
Your kids will love you and appreciate you for this.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Learning from Kids
What? You gotta be kidding me. I've had so many experiences and you expect me to learn something about loving from kids? Absolutely!
Three areas that I'd like to highlight we can learn from them;
1) Faith
As a child (whom I was once before), I'd look up to my parents not just for approval but even for guidance in the way I behaved, spoke and lived my life. How can this be applied to my relationship? The spouse that you chose (whom I believe is your best friend of life) will surely open up and offer advices on becoming a better person to them and the family. Many a times, we feel as if we're being run down but let's take it in the right manner - if our spouse can't be frank and honest with us, who can? So trust and have faith that your spouse wants the best for you and would be delighted to support you throughout making some positive adjustments.
2) Energy
Do you ever wonder where your kid/someone else's kid's energy come from? It's like boundless and never seems to stop once their excitement is raised. It's true we will drown in our weariness after a hard day’s work - where can I find that extra energy to communicate constructively with my spouse? Our bodies are magnificent creation - the more we practice using them, the better we become. Stretch your minds a little, your body has the capacity to go further (even as I'm writing this, my eyelids are almost shutting down on me), give of your best to your spouse daily. You never know one kind word can create so much encouragement for them.
You're in control of your mind and body, not the reverse. You can do it, try it.
3) Risk taking
Certainly as long as it's not life and death do it, I'd advocate that to my kids. Kids try a lot of stuff, their inquisitive nature makes them unique and their learning process is improved dramatically with risk taking. Sometimes, we're so concerned with what our spouses may think of us. I've often told the younger ones - as long as it doesn't harm anyone, do it! Take risk with your spouse to attempt some fun, exciting things together which can produce the adrenalin rush. It's been confirmed via research that it bonds the couple more after these activities. By saying this, I'm not referring to extreme sports but those which both have not tried and are willing to give a go. As long as it doesn't harm anyone - DO IT!
"To love what you do and feel that it matters - how could anything be more fun?"
Three areas that I'd like to highlight we can learn from them;
1) Faith
As a child (whom I was once before), I'd look up to my parents not just for approval but even for guidance in the way I behaved, spoke and lived my life. How can this be applied to my relationship? The spouse that you chose (whom I believe is your best friend of life) will surely open up and offer advices on becoming a better person to them and the family. Many a times, we feel as if we're being run down but let's take it in the right manner - if our spouse can't be frank and honest with us, who can? So trust and have faith that your spouse wants the best for you and would be delighted to support you throughout making some positive adjustments.
2) Energy
Do you ever wonder where your kid/someone else's kid's energy come from? It's like boundless and never seems to stop once their excitement is raised. It's true we will drown in our weariness after a hard day’s work - where can I find that extra energy to communicate constructively with my spouse? Our bodies are magnificent creation - the more we practice using them, the better we become. Stretch your minds a little, your body has the capacity to go further (even as I'm writing this, my eyelids are almost shutting down on me), give of your best to your spouse daily. You never know one kind word can create so much encouragement for them.
You're in control of your mind and body, not the reverse. You can do it, try it.
3) Risk taking
Certainly as long as it's not life and death do it, I'd advocate that to my kids. Kids try a lot of stuff, their inquisitive nature makes them unique and their learning process is improved dramatically with risk taking. Sometimes, we're so concerned with what our spouses may think of us. I've often told the younger ones - as long as it doesn't harm anyone, do it! Take risk with your spouse to attempt some fun, exciting things together which can produce the adrenalin rush. It's been confirmed via research that it bonds the couple more after these activities. By saying this, I'm not referring to extreme sports but those which both have not tried and are willing to give a go. As long as it doesn't harm anyone - DO IT!
"To love what you do and feel that it matters - how could anything be more fun?"
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